A Coward Debater

SSE Debate Club. Is it sounds unfamiliar? Yes, no wonder, since SSE Debate Club is still 3 years old. It is still like a baby who still needs to learn a lot and struggle more. It is not like other varsities’ debate clubs which already exist for about more than 10 years. If SSE DC is still a baby, then I am sure you can guess what we can do and how far our ability is.
I write this note to express the questions that keeps coming in my head “should I stay in debate?”. Some people might answer “Yes, you should”. But I don’t feel like I am appropriate in this field. Am I coward? Maybe I am. But that is what I feel. I am too afraid to face the great opponent in the competition, I am too afraid to argue others’ argument, and the most important I am too afraid (or maybe envy) when see others get success in debate.

This year, I joined two competitions, NUEDC and also JOVED. You know? I feel that my university is just like “team hiburan” in both competitions. We faced the teams who have the better ability. Even our analysis, argument, and speech are still below average (adjudicators’ comment). Ahh, too many thoughts in my mind and I don’t know how to express it. Honestly, I am impressed with some great universities such as UI, ITB, Bakrie and Binus. I know and realize that they have strive and struggle a lot, but I still cannot accept that we (especially myself) have left so far behind.
Even, the worse condition happens in this club. There are only 4 active people in club for my cohort. Sometimes, we even cannot practice because we don’t have enough people to practice. It is miserable. When others are busy to get the achievement, my friends and I in club are still busy to find the partner to practice. Sometimes I feel shame with my campus, since my club has spent a lot of money, but until now, I still cannot achieve something in debate.
Coach? Don’t ask about that one. We used to (is it really used to?) have the great coach. He is Bryan Gunawan. I think every debater in Indonesia must know him, cause he is so famous. Even when we have great coach, we still cannot serve our best.
Many people said that practice is the most important. Ya, I admit that we still lack in routine practice. But the problem is, when I am on fire to practice, when I enter the room, there is still no one inside. Suddenly, I lost my desire, and it happens not only once.
This note is actually only to show my feeling, I DON’T BLAME ANYONE for this, but I just feel like blaming myself. I blame myself for inability to change the condition in the club itself, I blame myself inability to improve myself, I blame myself to be too coward to keep struggling, and I blame myself for inability to be a good role model for my junior. Sorry for being too coward and cheesy, I just want to express my feeling, and by writing this note, I hope this note can be a relief. But, until the end of this note, I still cannot find the answer and decide whether I should stay in debate or not.